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My personal experiences with this project thus far...

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

I've been wiffle-waffling about whether or not to share this here or not, and Gracie "I love you, I am sorry, please forgive me, I'm blogging you again!" What we have here are excerpts from a discussion about life and this month's project. The reason I feel compelled to share it is because it's a personal experience I had with having the Ho'oponopono technique used on me. Yes! And it seems to have worked!

From an email I wrote last Friday:

"Here's how I'm feeling ...

I did really well with the winter depression ... all the way up until Jesse chewed the water pipe to the toilet and flooded the bathroom, my bank balance hit the scary button, I got a migraine, and the flu... (all in one week's time)... and now I'm feeling pissy and down.

I tried to do a stream of consciousness Ho'oponopono yesterday... Daniel was talking about it, someone else on the prosperity project was talking about it. They were having all these wonderful healing experiences etc. so I tried it... a meditation of thinking of people and circumstances and saying I love you and I'm sorry... as each person or experience popped up.

So what happened was, I went into this sort of deep coma state... and for I don't know how long, maybe an hour or two, I said "I love you and I'm sorry I let you down" over and over again to an astonishing number of people. I couldn't stop with the "I let you down" part. It was ridiculous! I was apologizing to the person at the neighborhood gas station. For what? For letting them down? Finally, I had to quit because I felt that I was getting nowhere. I didn't feel better, or released, or happier, or anything like that... all I felt was inadequate and bad that I have not measured up, and have let so many people down...

So, then I thought, I should do some inner work on "I let everyone down"... but then somehow I didn't do it. And of course, I haven't let anyone down, not really. That isn't true. What is true is that I'm afraid that I have and/or will let everyone down. Especially me. And I do think that's absolutely true. And having gotten that far, I dropped the ball (yet again) and found something else to occupy my mind.

So, that's where I'm at with this month's project and life on earth.

Next day, I got this reply from my wise and wonderful sister.

When I was searching for a meaningful reply to your letter, I finally realized what I was truly feeling about what you said is …

I am the one who is sorry and who has let you down.

Can you feel how that would be true? Have you known this all along? If I only did better with my budget I could help you more; if I weren’t so entrenched here, I would have come to visit and helped you in some little way; if I weren’t so self absorbed I could hear you better, see you more completely and reflect back to you a clearer picture of your beautiful self. I could extend myself and I don’t. I could engage and I don’t; I could be available and I’m not.

So when you are doing Ho’ oponopono, and you hear I let you down, are you hearing yourself or are you hearing me? I can hardly separate the two. My perception of you is where you live for me; I know nothing about you that isn’t filtered through me, that isn’t a thought form arising in me. Anything, ANYTHING, that I perceive about you that isn’t pure light, is something that needs to be healed in me. When I read how you are held prisoner by the winter, how you are sick and tired, how you are alone and getting more alone, how you feel like you dropped the ball again… that’s arising in my perception of you, that is IN ME. I’m amazed, deeply amazed. It’s absolutely true.

That’s why I believe Ho’oponopono is profoundly true. It’s truest value has to be in the silent space – that is first generation truth. Nothing in this path contradicts what I know; when I read Byron Katie and listen to Eckhart Tolle, they say the same thing, or rather, I hear a voice inside of me that I call Katie or I call Eckhart – it is my voice being heard nonetheless. Now I hear a voice in me that I call your blog entry about Ho’oponopono, or your e-mail, or my son speaking to me and telling me the absolute truth. Nothing needs healing except the causes of my own suffering. How that leaps across the divide from selfish self-concern, to global compassion and unshakable joy is that I own the world as it rises from my awareness. You helped me see it this way. Thank you and I love you and I’m sorry I have let you down!

And here comes the most amazing and interesting part! When I look inside myself to find the part of me that fears she will let every one down, the part of me that worries about "dropping the ball," and "not measuring up" ... I can't find it anymore. Yes, the words are still there, the memories of feeling that way are still there, my intention to NOT let people down still holds true, I will absolutely do my level best to be all that I can be... So what's changed? The fear is gone, the avoidance is gone, the angst is gone... it's just gone. I feel so much lighter!

What I learned from this is that when someone comes to me with a "pain story" or a "trauma drama;" when I see something that disturbs me or is upsetting to me; all I have to do is look into myself and see where I harbor this same pain, this same story, this same upsetting or disturbing idea or activity. When my daughter doesn't make good decisions about money - isn't that me seeing my own bad decisions? When I see lack, is it my own fears of lack? or is it a desire to experience generosity? If someone I know has a healing challenge, is this a challenge for me to extend what healing ability I posess? is it an opportunity to experience compassion? do I myself need healing?


the gay bookworm said...

I really like what this post had to say. Really helped clarify some things/issues with this project. I do seriously feel it is working in my life. I have experienced some of the changes already. I am going to really look deep and open myself up to giving and receiving love. Love to all of you.

Shirley Twofeathers said...

Thanks, Daniel. This is one of those projects that seemed simple on the get go... and then almost right off the bat it got hard...

I think that by the time our 30 days is up, we will have seen big changes not only in our own lives, but also in the lives of those around us.

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