An amazingly sucky day!

Have you ever had the experience of making some grand statement, and then having the Master of the Universe chuckle at you as the shit hits the fan? That's what happened to me today. Here I am, rolling along, telling myself all these wonderful stories about the energy drains in my life (read that post here), feeling better about most everything, even smiling at my neighbor's ever more extravagant collection of junk cars and debris... thinking I have at least one of the answers to life's big questions, when BAM!

First thing that happens is I hurt my sister's feelings. I really didn't want to do that, and couldn't figure out how to fix it, and naturally something like that happens when I'm 5 minutes late for work so there's no time to really do anything or say anything to make it better. And I wander into work, trying to reframe my story about how I am an insensitve rude and relentless bitch... not coming up with much... all I could think of was "WOW, I suck!" And that thought was making me tired and cranky... as you can well imagine.

So, I walk into work and show up at the tail end of a huge shit fit, an actual temper tantrum being thrown by the most difficult person at work whom I do actually love and appreciate EXCEPT for when she acts like that. The other person at work (there's only the three of us) is deep into her own unhappy reaction to the screaming and carrying on, and now I'm thinking... "Wow, not only do I suck but you guys do to!!"

Not a great start, not by a long shot. And I'm trying really hard to reframe my story about how I suck and they suck and my life sucks and the dogs suck and everything pretty much sucks, and not coming up with anything at all that sounds true, has a happy ending, or even makes me almost smile. In fact, an amazing amount of self recrimination came into my mind instead, and I could feel myself slipping into that downward spiral of defeatism and depression. It had the makings of a real funk, and I wasn't sure if I'd be able to pull myself out of it or not.

Then, having dumped her bad mood on us, my boss got all cheered up and started talking about how fun it would be if we signed up to be in a 4th of July parade. And my heart just sank. I'd rather have a root canal, walk on glass, or eat dirt. And here I was feeling all this pressure to foster her happy mood by saying "yes when what I really wanted to do was say "no."

Now, after the fact, I realize that this all sounds like a tempest in a teapot, but in the moment there was angst and agony. So I bathed dogs and trudged through my day, all the while trying to ferret out what it was exactly that I was telling Shirley, wondering why I was feeling so much anxiety, and at the same time trying to come up with something different, and better to say to myself. And finally (7 hours later) I decided that:

• it was an amazingly sucky day,
• the planets must be in some wierd alignment,
• I'd feel better about everything once I got home,
• and best of all that it wasn't me that sucked it was the day.

Then, I decided that I could just say "no" to the parade and let the chips fall where they may.

And so how did the rest of the day go? I'd like to report that I immediately felt my spirits lift, and that the day was just peachy after that, but the truth is that while my energy lifted a little, I did have to keep reminding myself that it was the day that sucked and not me.

And the lesson is?

1. It's way easier to reframe a story about something that doesn't hold a strong emotional charge.
2. Changing what you say to yourself can be exceedingly difficult, but if you keep working at it, eventually you'll come up with something.
3. This too shall pass.
4. I do not suck and neither do you.

Wow! This is Amazing!

Up until now, I have been believing what I've been reading about energy drains. And what I've been reading is that "Most of us have many things in our lives that we tolerate but which drain us of energy. These include messy cupboards, un-filed paperwork, appliances that don’t work properly, shoddy paintwork and furniture, unfinished projects, poor communication, unanswered emails, unreturned phone calls, overflowing trash baskets unpaid bills, poor boundaries, rudeness, noise pollution, cluttered rooms, living in a neighborhood or doing a job you hate, etc. etc. etc!"

And here's what suddenly occurred to me. NONE OF THAT IS TRUE!! Not one bit of it. It is not the mess and the unfinished business, nor is it the bills and the relationship issues that drain our energy. It's what we TELL our selves about those things. It's the stories we make up about them, the judgments we hold against ourselves because of them, it's our own inner dialogue that causes our fatigue and our feelings of being defeated and overwhelmed.

So, I started experimenting with telling myself DIFFERENT stories about my "stuff." Better stories, stories that make me smile. And guess what, it worked! As a matter of fact, it's been working really well.

For the last couple of days, I've been seeing my life and the people in it from a completely new perspective, and I can tell you that I have a lot more energy, more enthusiasm, more happiness, and well... I just flat out feel better about life on earth.

Before my big aha! moment, I'd look at my dining room table which is piled high with God only knows what... (Most of that stuff's been there so long I don't even remember what the top of the table looks like.) and I'd sort of shudder, and I'd say to myself, "That looks like shit." Which actually means, "I'm a worthless piece of shit for letting it get that bad." And I'd think to myself that I really SHOULD clean it up, and that I HAVE to get it done, and I BETTER do it soon, and then I'd get really really tired, my shoulders would tense up, and I'd rush on past the table and try not to look at it again for the rest of the day.

After my big aha! moment, I look at that mess on the table and I think... "What an amazingly wonderful mess!" Sometimes, I stop and look at it and I wonder what treasures are hiding there. Then, I think about how one day I'll have the time and the energy to sort through it all, and that will be fun. At which point, I have a smile on my face and I'm off and running... on to the next part of my day.

Before my big aha! moment, I'd look at the melted siding on the back of my trailer, and tell myself stories about how I can't afford to fix it, and it looks terrible, and my whole life is falling apart, and how am I going to ever get it done because I CAN'T do it and I DON'T have the energy and I'm weak and incompetent and totally lacking in resources and gumption, how it's all too much for poor little me, and by the time I was done with myself I'd be scrambling for beer and chips, I'd be tense and tired. My life would suck and I'd be playing free cell and mindlessly surfing the internet for hours just to avoid doing ANYTHING at all.

After my big aha! moment, I looked at the melted siding and thought about how amazing it was that it melted instead of caught on fire, and what a miracle that was. And I thought about all those really nice people who were working their asses off to put the fire out. I wish I could thank them again. And then I thought about how interesting the siding looked... the shapes and the textures that were created as the vinyl melted and shrank. So cool.

And whenever I catch myself in judgment, bad mouthing Shirley, or torturing her in some way because she isn't living up to expectations, or she made a mistake, or I don't know... things aren't going well, I smile to myself and say, "Ah grasshopper..." and then I make an attempt to see without judgment so I can tell myself a story that isn't critical or unkind. I look for a place of acceptance and when I find it, my heart softens, and I remember that I am amazing, and wonderful. And the people around me are amazing and wonderful. And the stuff that I'm looking at is, actually pretty amazing too, maybe even wonderful.

I'd also like to add that I was able to apply the above technique at work... bathing big fat smelly hairy dogs, dogs that freak out and poop in the tub, dogs that bark and bite and slobber, and throw up. I cleaned up a really astonishing pile of vomit the other day. Wow! It was just amazing! And if I can clean up puke and think "Wow! This is amazing!" Then you can look at yourself in the mirror and say, "Wow! What an amazingly wonderful person!" And if you can look at yourself and say that, you can look at your clutter, your bills, your unfinished business, your spouse, your neighbor, your car and say the same thing or maybe even something better.

What do you think? Anyone willing to try it? If you do give it a try, I'd love to hear what your experiences are. And if you totally disagree with me, I'd love to hear about that too.

A Lightbulb Moment

I had such an amazing "AHA!" today that I can't even gather my thoughts to write about it properly. This whole thing about energy drains just fell into place for me in such a profound way that I'm not even clear about where to start talking about it.

I think it must have started with the post on Plug Those Energy Drains With Love. That exercise took me to a place of understanding where some of my energy was going, and got me thinking in terms of questions, quizzes, how to's and what to do's. What I wasn't expecting to run into right away was Avoidance and Resistance. Hitting those two was like hitting a wall.

And I had thought about posting more lists, and some other bits and pieces about fear, and time management, and I don't even know what else. But the whole thought of even writing about, much less DOING something about really getting in there and LOOKING at my issues, or DEALING with the mess I've made of my life put me into such a mood that all I wanted to do was play on the Internet and watch movies.

I tried calling in my Inner Dad so that he could deal with Avoidance Boy, but it turns out he is on vacation in Fiji, and much too busy drinking margaritas and cavorting with the cabana boy (who knew?) to help me out at all.

And that's the way things stood until this morning, when a number of things that have happened recently coincided with a really good conversation with Daniel, and I started to have an "AHA!" and it didn't stop there, it gradually unfolded over the course of the morning until finally by the time I got off work, I really felt that I had THE answer.

So what is it? THE ANSWER? Ahhh... grasshopper...

I'm going to try to have it completed and posted by tomorrow evening. In the mean time, to keep you busy, here's the "yes list" and a post on "resistance."

Resistance

Resistance is making an excuse as to why you can’t possibly take 10 minutes out of your day and do one thing! RESISTANCE is the BIGGEST ENERGY DRAIN OF ALL! IT IS THE ROOT CAUSE, THE MOTHER OF ALL ENERGY DRAINS.

So, consider this: If you don’t have any energy, maybe you have let your resistance rule – maybe you are giving it space, air, and and maybe you are feeding it with a long list of heavy problems you do not want to address.

When you play hide and seek with your problems, you become unable to move – you are a prisoner – you gave all the power to your problem and now you are STUCK!

What you resist persists.
~Maharishi

Today, let's take a little bit of time to find just one small area of resistance and let it go. If you want to be ambitious, and takle something big - go for it - but if the thought of NOT resisting makes you even more tired than the resistance itself, it might be a better idea to go for something small.