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I'm Glad That's Done!

Monday, May 04, 2009

bursting with joy

Looks like we've about come to the end of our 30 days of keeping our focus on the good. Before we post our ideas and thoughts about the project and talk about the ways it was helpful, and the ways in which it was not, I'd like to share with you my own observations and thoughts.

For me, personally, this project was less than rewarding. I found myself losing interest early on. I'm not sure if it was because I've had quite a bit of drama in my "real" life

  • my dad is dying,
  • my house almost caught on fire - not once - but twice,
  • and because of that (the fires) the central air unit got charred and needs repair and a fair amount of melted vinyl siding needs replacing (naturally, I don't have insurance)
  • and then there's the financial drama of brakes going out, two years worth of property taxes due, and a number of other major expenses which I do not have money for,
  • I'm working 50 to 60 hours a week at a physically demanding job and I STILL don't have enough money to "get ahead," and that feels so discouraging to me
  • plus, there's my elderly and incontinent dog - thanks to whom I now have two rooms of carpeting that have to be pulled and replaced - but what's the point since I'm not going to euthanize him, and so there's that...
  • a house full of kittens - OK, that's a good thing

Just writing all that down makes me tired! I had really hoped that this project will pull me out of the doldrums, and I don't think it did. Or maybe, it did, and my expectations were too high. Or, maybe I'm in way better shape than I would have been without it... I don't know.

Also, I'm wondering if the project could have been organized better, if there might have been a more interesting way to do it. Or maybe the project itself was fine, and the problem lies within me. Possibly I am resistant to positive thinking, and it occurs to me that I might even find it boring. Being caught up in life and death, survival, chaos, and turmoil - well - it's just more interesting to talk about, more intriguing to the mind, and gets me way more attention!

The good things in my life seem small and insignificant. It almost feels wrong to be focused on them because ... then I feel guilty that I'm not doing something about all that other stuff. Which is silly because I'm not doing something about all that other stuff anyway... so why not enjoy a moment like the one I'm having now... blogging to friends with a small kitten curled up on my lap. Yes, the house smells like old dog piss, yes the laundry is piled high on the kitchen floor, yes the grass needs to be mowed, the dishes washed, the litter boxes cleaned, and the vacuum cleaner is broken and what am I going to do about that ... and yes, there's more... but when I put my focus there, I feel myself wilting inside. If, instead, I enjoy that small warm body curled in my lap, the way the sun shines through prisms in my windows and makes rainbows all over the walls and floor, the sound of birds and crickets coming in from outside... wow... when I think of that, focus on that, all seems right with the world.

So... those are my thoughts for today, what are yours?


Shirley Twofeathers said...

Thank you very much to those of you who emailed me about this post. You are appreciated more than you know!

Anonymous said...

thank you two feather for all your hard work

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