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Getting Smacked With Something Big

Saturday, July 04, 2009

I find it really interesting how the Universe almost always steps forward to support me whenever I make ambitious, grandiose statements... like for example... "I'm going to have strong sense of self worth, even if it's the last thing I do!"

Maybe it's a lesson in being careful about how I word those grand statements, or maybe the Master of the Universe knows full well that I learn much more quickly when I get smacked with something big, I don't know. But, it would have been nice if I had been suddenly surrounded with people and circumstances that were just bubbling over with words of praise, encouragement, acceptance, and love.

But NO! That's not what happened. It was almost like people and situations couldn't come out of the woodwork fast enough in the rush to impress upon me my lacks, limitations, unloveableness, unworthiness, unacceptability, to make sure I take a long look at all my faults, flaws, and failures... But wait, that's not all... it turns out that I don't even have to be paid for work that I do...

It was pretty amazing actually - all the shit that hit the fan after I decided to work on my self worth. Most recently I had someone that I have done business with for 12 years cancel payment on a $260 check. And like some of the other things that have happened to me recently, it was totally shocking, and came at me out of nowhere.

I did spend a fair amount of time obsessing, ranting, having revenge fantasies, and my daughter (we work together) finally got tired of hearing about it and said something that had really profound effect on me.

We were talking about how I have such a hard time letting stuff like that go. I'm like a dog with a bone when someone hurts my feelings, I gnaw on it until everyone around me is exhausted. This is what she said,

"Mom. Here's what happens. You let people take advantage of you, you let them talk down to you, you let them disrespect you, you stay friends with people who don't even really like you. And it goes on and on for a really long time. You don't stick up for yourself. You don't have your say. You just smile, and you take it... maybe because you need the money, maybe because you don't want to hurt someone else's feelings, maybe because you have some idea that you are being helpful, but then one day it's just too much. And by then, it's too late. And all the things you could have, should have, or might have said, all the different ways you might have handled it in the first place, all come rushing out and you've got no place to put it, and no one to say it to because now it's too late."

It was like a light bulb went off in my head, literally. When I don't say "Hey, wait a minute, that's not true." or "Don't talk me like that." and when I say "Yes." when I really want to say "No." All the times I allow myself to feel "less than" so that someone else can feel "more than," and every time I put my own personal comfort last... All that has been me teaching people how to treat me. And when I look more closely at it, I realize that they've acutally been treating me the same way I treat myself.

Now, I realize that this is not a new concept. I'm sure we've all heard it before. And if you're reading this, you might be saying to yourself, "Well, duh!" Two weeks ago, I might have been saying that exact same thing. Knowing something in your head however, is quite different from experiencing it in our body. Anyway... I got to thinking about how to be my own best friend, and in view of that, here's a link to our next post: Best Friends


Karla said...

Pleae tell yo daughter thank you from me. I relly appreciated your sharing that. It DOES hit home.

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